October 2, 2023 / Motherhood
I recently shared that our family is growing. The gift of doing this again is immeasurable. We are feeling the hearts of so many of you through your messages, comments, and notes!
This has been a special moment we’ve been celebrating as a family for awhile now — I am already 20 weeks, or about halfway there. And no, we don’t know what we are having 😉 We never find out, and it’s the most fun surprise ever day-of!
Okay, so there’s a lot to catch up on, and I will share more over the coming months. We’ve always deeply wanted a third child, but following my surgery for thyroid cancer back in February, I started to feel more and more fearful of going for another. I questioned if I was physically, mentally, or emotionally ready — and would I ever be ready?
In the midst of the decision weighing heavily on me, we got a positive pregnancy test.
As someone who loves to plan — this was not in my plan. Not now, anyways. And so the initial news felt really different from my other pregnancies, of obsessively checking calendars, and buying pregnancy tests in bulk. With Ella specifically, the process was highly emotional following a hard loss early into our second trimester. And so trying to become pregnant with her was incredibly intentional, emotional, and like every angel everywhere was alongside us through it all.
This time felt different. I had to really spend a few days alone with myself, reminding my body it was strong enough to do this. Reminding myself that I was safe in my body. Reminding myself to trust my body in whatever it would or wouldn’t do for me, and for us. And in those days, I started to feel such relief. Relief because I could find an inner trust. Relief because I let go of control. And relief because the little soul that Jake and I had always felt was missing from our family was indeed on their way — and already reminding us of what we already know: parenting is the constant act of hanging on and letting go, and it’s in the power of letting go that we truly receive the most.
And so, here I am, hanging onto the beautiful feeling of creating life, while letting go of the fear surrounding the unknowingness of it all. I am exactly where I need to be.
Photos by Emma Bassill